


Tiny Hux Just Wants to be Feared

by Anorlost



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Gulliver's Travels - Freeform, Kylux in chapter 3, Self indulgence, Tiny tiny Hux, silliness, writing while drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-07-27 11:05:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7615582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anorlost/pseuds/Anorlost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Communicating mostly through holograms up until this point, he had not seen a Brobdingagian in the flesh, and thus had no idea that they were giants.  It seemed they had not expected him to be the size of a mouse either.</p><p>((Or:  Tiny-Hux does adorable Tiny-Hux things.  Or:  The Gulliver's Travels AU nobody asked for.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who got drunk on Guinness while reading Gulliver's Travels and wrote a stupid oneshot? That's right! This loser, right here! 
> 
> On a side note, I'm a fairly small person, but I'm quite salty in real life, and can be very intimidating when I have a mind for it. Eight seems to be immune though and likes to tease, "Tiny Anorlost just wants to be feared..." So here's tiny Hux trying to get by in a world that adores his cute little face.

Somewhere along the line there must have been a terrible miscommunication.  How else could Hux have been ignorant to the fact that the humanoids he was currently treating with were sixteen times larger than he was? 

He tried to think of how this had happened.  The General would have thought that somewhere, somehow he might have come across this information, but he had not.  Communicating mostly through holograms up until this point, he had not seen a Brobdingagian in the flesh, and thus had no idea that they were giants.  It seemed they had not expected him to be the size of a mouse either.  Obviously they had prepared to receive and speak with a General who was about their own size.  Immediately adjustments and certain leniencies were granted to him, such as being allowed to stand on the meeting table and walk about as he talked. 

“Do we have a chair for him?” someone whispered.  Hux, of course, could hear everything.  Being so much larger than him it would have been difficult for them to make a sound that was inaudible to him.  He ignored the comment to be courteous.  It had not been addressed towards him, so it would have been rude to reply.  He did, however, turn an annoyed shade of red when someone whispered back, “The princess has a doll house, doesn’t she?  We could ask to borrow it…” 

“I think we’ll have to.  Call for a servant to get it from her…” the King muttered out the side of his mouth, trying to be discreet before he leaned down, “Please forgive the setback, General.  I’m afraid we were expecting you to be a little...taller.” 

“It’s quite alright,” Hux shouted back, needing to be loud to make himself heard.  Thankfully he’d had more than enough voice training to learn how to project without straining himself.  He knew he’d be spending the whole meeting shouting. 

“Stars…he’s adorable,” Hux heard one of the courtiers murmur. 

He resisted the urge to glare at the speaker and continued, “We’re very grateful that Brobdingnag has decided to enter a trade agreement with the First Order.” 

“With his tiny boots…I want to pinch his little cheeks,” someone else giggled. 

Hux’s brow twitched as he pressed onward, “As you know the First Order has an extensive trading network encompassing several planets across the galaxy, which will of course be made available to Brobdingnag to use without the extra tariffs other planets are subject to.” 

There was a knock on the door and a servant came in with refreshments.  She began serving tea in ornate porcelain cups, but paused when she got to Hux.  She looked about, as if hoping someone would give her some sort of direction.  Receiving none she awkwardly set the cup - which was so large Hux could have taken a bath in it - down beside him.  She tried to be quiet as she inquired, “Do you take any cream or sugar, General?” 

“Never with tea, thank you,” he replied.  It wasn’t as if he could drink from the cup though.  He would have to climb up over the rim of the cup to get to the tea and he would probably fall in if he leaned down to try to drink it. 

She finished serving and tucked her tray under her arm, giving Hux a final, slightly astonished look before she left.  Hux turned his attention back to the Brobdingnagian King and continued, “As I was saying, the benefits to joining the First Order’s-”

“Excuse me, General, could you…pass me a cube of sugar from the bowl?” asked a lady, fighting back a fit of giggles. 

If they had been on the Finalizer Hux would never have deigned to perform such a menial task.  The woman could clearly reach it.  It was obvious this was some sort of joke at his expense.  Brobdingnag was not his planet though, and until the agreement was signed he would not have access to their resource-rich planet, so until the meetings were over he would have to be more cordial than usual.  He walked towards the sugar bowl with his usual confident, quick strides and wondered how on earth he was going to reach the sugar cubes. 

Spying the spoon he picked it up, finding it felt a bit like an incredibly awkward, inefficient spear.  He tipped the head of the spoon into the bowl and jabbed it at one of the cubes on the top of the pile until it fell down onto the saucer.  He picked it up and marveled at it slightly.  It was heavy, about six or seven kilograms if he had to guess.  He carried it like a large crate with one arm around it and another underneath it, “The First Order’s trading network is incredibly vast, dealing in both necessities and luxury items.  With the tax exemptions we offer-”

“Thank you,” whispered the Brobdingnagian lady, pinching the cube between her thumb and forefinger before lifting it away with ease. 

Hux brushed excess sugar off of his sleeves and front as he continued, “-you’ll find it much more affordable to trade with the First Order than with the New Republic or Neutral syste-”

Hux whirled around as a large finger brushed down his back.  One of the Brobdingnagians kept lightly brushing a finger over him, “Just helping to get that sugar off of you.  Please, do continue.” 

“As we understand it Brobdingnag is rich with natural ores and minerals but due…” Hux tried to continue as the man kept prodding and stroking him with his finger.  The slight grin, which was more than apparent to Hux who saw everything in extreme detail, told him that the man knew exactly what he was doing, and it was not brushing off sugar.  He patted his finger over Hux’s red hair as he kept speaking, some annoyance finally creeping into his voice as he said, “…to the technology to mine these ores being limited, The First Order is also willing to share our knowledge to improve productivity, which would be mutually beneficial.” 

There was a knock at the door and a butler entered, “Sire, the…doll house…as requested.” 

“Very good,” said the King, slightly awkwardly as it was set on the table beside him.  He looked over at Hux, who was still being covertly petted, and apologized, “Forgive the impropriety, General, it’s all we have that might accommodate you.” 

“It’s much appreciated,” Hux called back as he watched the front of the house being opened glumly and a lady delightedly setting furniture on the table for him. 

“He only needs a chair…” someone whispered worriedly. 

“Nonsense,” replied the lady lightly, “He needs a rack so he can take that coat off, he must be boiling alive in it.  A chair, of course, a little cup so he can drink his tea and a table to set it on…” 

The nobles watched with rapt attention as Hux hung his greatcoat on the rack and sat down on a little wooden chair with a frilly pink cushion.  It just had to be _pink_.  The lady took a small cup and scooped up a little tea in it before handing it to Hux.  It was about the size of a soup bowl, but much better suited for drinking out of than the bathtub sized Brobdingnagian teacups. 

“Thank you, madam,” he said, taking the doll’s cup with two hands and taking a sip from it before setting it on the table that had been put out for him, “Now if I may continue, the First-”

Someone had taken a doll’s hairbrush and started brushing him with it.  Hux glared over at the offender, who turned out to be the man who had been prodding him.  Before it had been somewhat covert, now he was being brazenly transparent.  Hux stood and pulled the brush from between his fingers, “You’ve gotten it all off thank you!  May I continue, please!?” 

“Of course, General, just making sure all the sugar's gone” said the man, leaning down on his hands and watching Hux with a grin, “By all means, continue.” 

Hux huffed slightly before sitting back down with one leg crossed over the other.  He needed this meeting to be over, now, “Will you join the First Order trading network or not?” 

“It does indeed sound most beneficial,” said the king. 

“Begging your pardon, General, we couldn’t quite hear you over here,” called an older man at the far end of the table.  Hux sighed and stood up.  It looked like it would take a few minutes to walk all the way to the other end. 

“Would you like some assistance, General?” asked the man who had been brushing and poking him, offering a hand. 

“I’ll walk, thank you,” seethed Hux. 

The lady who had eagerly set out the furniture offered her hand as well, “It’s no trouble at all.  Just sit yourself down and you’ll get there much faster.” 

Hux sighed and sat astride her palm, crossing his arms.  At least he hoped she would not try to poke and prod.  Of course, that became the least of his worries when she started walking, going much faster than Hux had anticipated.  He flipped himself onto his stomach almost immediately to get a good grip so he would not fall and plummet to the floor.  Thankfully it was over in a few seconds.  The lady held him up to the elderly man’s face so they could speak.  Hux panted slightly as he gathered his nerves, “Th-The First Order’s trading network-”

“No, not that.  What was all that fuss about sugar?” he asked. 

Hux groaned to himself before explaining, “One of your esteemed lords wished to brush sugar from my person.  However, there was none and I asked for him to stop.” 

The man reached out and took his arm.  Hux was worried he might rip it off, but instead his shook it, “Ah, so that was it.  Lovely to meet you by the by.  Never met such a small being before.” 

“Yes, well, if that’s all…” grumbled Hux, pulling his arm back and shaking it out slightly. 

“General,” asked an older woman, sitting across from the man, “Would you do me the honour of sitting in my palm?” 

Hux bit back and angry shout and called, “Just for a moment, but I must insist on settling the trade agreement as soon as possible.” 

She held out her hand as Hux was brought over.  He would have preferred to stand, but sitting was much safer.  If he fell he would certainly suffer a serious injury.  He stepped cautiously from the younger lady’s hand into the old woman’s palm.  She held him close to her face and slid her glasses down her nose to look at him, “Oh, you _are_ a little man.  Exactly proportioned and everything.” 

“Yes, I’m a Human,” replied Hux.  He gasped and scowled as she brought a hand up and prodded his leg to test his joints, “Madam, that’s quite enough of that.  I should like to be let down now.” 

“Here, we’ll help you get back to your seat,” said the lady seated next to the old woman. 

Hux looked down the table.  There were about ten people seated between him and where his chair had been positioned.  He really did not want to be passed around and gawked at.  He called out, “It’s quite alright, I really do prefer to walk!”

“Nonsense, come sit in my palm,” said the lady, scooping him up with both hands, an action Hux found incredibly alarming and examined him, “Are all Humans your height?” 

“No, I’m actually quite tall,” replied Hux haughtily, crossing his arms over his chest. 

The woman holding him whispered to her neighbour, “He’s so cute when he gets angry.” 

“Let me hold him next?” her neighbour whispered back. 

Hux was outraged that they had stopped asking his permission entirely.  The woman’s hands parted and he was dropped into her neighbour’s hand.  The new lady hummed a soft cooing noise, her eyes and smile were wide as she giggled before inquiring, “General, might I kiss your cheek?” 

Despite using his title it was clear that she had no more respect for him than she did a pet mouse or hamster.  She even lifted him up to her face, anticipating a yes.  Hux groaned and thought of the First Order.  They needed to gain access to the Brobdingnagian ore mines to manufacture more desperately needed durasteel.  He kept his arms crossed and grumbled, “Yes…” 

He had expected her to press her lips to his face and be done with it.  Quick and simple.  Instead she puckered her lips, ensuring they were wet before pushing them so hard against his face that he was knocked back against her fingers.  She pulled back and let out a laugh as Hux rubbed the side of his face, trying to wipe off excess saliva. 

“Oh, General, your hair is out of sorts…” said the next woman, holding the tiny doll’s brush, “Would you permit me?” 

Hux scowled as he was passed over to her and she began to brush his hair back into place.  The women continued to giggle and coo over him, keeping the sounds quiet, still thinking Hux could not hear them.  His hair was brushed gently as she noted, “You’re a very handsome little man.” 

“Thank you…” Hux grumbled. 

There was a knock on the door and the servant girl entered again with more refreshments.  A tray with sweets of some sort.  Hux was passed to yet another woman as the servant set the plates down along the table.  She glanced down at Hux, still incredulous as ever before she finished her rounds and left.  The woman currently holding Hux, much younger than the last four picked up a cookie of some sort and held it up for him, “You must try some General, I insist.” 

“Thank you, madam,” Hux sighed before taking a bite of it.  It was sweet, but thankfully not overbearingly so. 

The young lady repressed a giggle before asking, “Do you think you can hold it?” 

Hux tested the weight of it with his hands, “Possibly.” 

“Here you are then,” she announced, very pleased with herself as she placed the cookie in his lap.  It covered up his legs completely. 

“He’s so cute…” the woman who had brushed his hair cooed. 

Hux scowled.  He was one of the most feared and powerful men in the galaxy.  He was anything except cute.  He held onto that thought as he and the cookie were passed to the next woman.  She had taken a strawberry from one of the cakes and held it up the way the previous lady had with the cookie.  She tapped it to his mouth gingerly, “This one as well, General.  Do you have such fruits on your homeworld?” 

Hux took a bite before she could accidentally crush him with the strawberry.  It was a curious thing to have an entire mouthful of a fruit that was never supposed to be so large.  He tried to wipe the juices from his face as he replied, “We do…though they aren’t quite so large.” 

“Oh dear, he’s all covered in crumbs.  We’re terribly sorry General,” said the sixth woman, taking him gently from her neighbour and producing a handkerchief which she wrapped around her index finger.  She held it up over him before rubbing his chest and arms. 

“Madam!  Madam I must ask that you stop that!” protested Hux, trying to push her finger back as she stroked it up and down his entire body.  She completely outmuscled him though, being at least sixteen times his size and continued wiping the cloth all over him.  Hux flushed, “Madam, please show some decorum and stop touching me like that!  Let me down this instant!” 

“Aw, he’s blushing…” cooed the young woman who had given him the cookie. 

“But we’ve ruined your hair again,” said the seventh, taking up the doll’s brush. 

His cheek was kissed again before he was passed along.  By the time he had reached the end of the table he had been brushed, fed more sweets, and wiped up with a handkerchief again.  The final woman, the one who had carried him to the end of the table in the first place, giggled as she lowered her hand to the table and let Hux step down.  He glared up at the king, who looked incredibly apologetic for what little that was worth.  Hux called up to him, “Will you accept or decline?  I do need to give an answer.” 

“We will accept your offer.  Have you something large enough to sign?” asked the king. 

“Not with me, no.  Unfortunately I’ll have to have a contract custom made and sent down,” said Hux.  He scowled to himself, he really ought to have thought of that before.  He sat back down in the little doll’s chair with his bowl of tea, which elicited a chorus of coos.  He sighed and pulled out his datapad, sending a message for the _Finalizer_ crew to start putting together a very, very large piece of paper. 

He felt something patting his head and saw it was the man from before.  Hux shoved his finger away, “Look here, I might be small but that is absolutely no excuse to prod at me!” 

“No, I suppose it isn’t,” he said, leaning on his hand, “But excuses don’t have to be good ones, necessarily.” 

Hux grumbled to himself and turned back to his datapad when he heard a soft done and felt it vibrate.  He looked down, felt his heart sink and looked up, “It will take about twelve hours to have it made.” 

“Oh!  Then you must spend the night here!” exclaimed the woman who had carried him around.  She opened up the doll house, “There’s a bed, several changes of clothes, oh and look, a little bear for you to sleep with!” 

Hux protested as a toy bear roughly half his height was shoved into his arms, “N-Now look here!  This is most inappropriate!  Is this how you treat everyone you have dealings with!?” 

“Aw!” cooed the women.  One of them lifted him up and placed him in the bedroom of the dollhouse.  He heard a chorus of voices, “He’s so precious with his little uniform.”  “So sweet and tiny.”  “I could watch him all day.” 

The king coughed awkwardly, “Are your rooms…to your liking General?” 

Hux sat on the bed, tossing the bear aside and called back, “It’s sufficient, thank you.” 

Someone placed a massive slice of cake in the bedroom before putting the bear back on his lap and patting his head with a large finger, “He’s adorable.  Now go to sleep in your little bed…” 

Hux angrily ripped the blanket sized piece of cloth off the bed before furiously settling in against the pillows and blushed furiously as everyone cooed at him.  A hand reached inside and began to prod around him, tucking him in.  Hux noticed it was a male finger and could only guess who it was as a large forefinger caressed his cheek before pulling back, “Too bad he’s not average sized…he’s pretty cute.” 

Now he was flirting with him.  Perfect.  He hazarded getting out of the bed and leaned out of the dollhouse, causing more of that wretched cooing.  He looked up at the king, “Nobody’s going to…move it while I’m inside it?  If someone did I’m afraid I’d be crushed.” 

“Ah, yes, I suppose we could bring it to the guest suite.  It’s a long way.  I’m afraid it will take too long if you walk,” said the king. 

“Oh, I’ll carry him!” 

“I’ll take you there General!” 

“Come with me!” 

As Hux got up he saw multiple hands stretched in front of the doll house, ready for him to step into.  He couldn’t tell whose hand belonged to who there were so many.  He spotted one that belonged to a man and begrudgingly leapt onto it.  The man who had been poking and flirting with him grinned at him. 

“Don’t get the wrong idea,” said Hux, climbing up his sleeve before settling on his shoulder, “I can’t sit on a lady’s shoulder with their low cut dresses.  It’s hardly proper.” 

The man looked down at him adoringly before standing.  Hux gripped the fabric of the man’s jacket tightly as he stood up and moved towards the door.  He patted Hux’s legs, holding him steady before turning and kissing his cheek, “Right this way General Cutie-pie.” 

“Now look here,” hissed Hux, getting to his feet shakily and grasping a lock of the man’s hair for support, “To you I might seem the size of a small rodent, but I’ll have you know I’m incredibly dangerous!  I’m the head of a massive military organization and if you won’t fear me you will at least respect me!  I’m General Armitage Hux and that’s how I expect you to address me!” 

“Fussy little guy, aren’t you,” the man cooed absentmindedly as they walked down the hall, “You’re a just a little sweetie.” 

Hux scowled, and crossed his arms, muttering, "I'm _not_ a sweetie...” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Gulliver's Travel's AU nobody asked for continues! There will be Kylux in part 3. Promise :P 
> 
> Basically I'm continuing this because a friend told me they would draw Hux having a bubble bath in a teacup if I wrote it.

Hux was grateful when he was left alone in the guest suite, but slightly less so that he had been left inside the doll house that had been loaned to him for the duration of his stay.  Being stuck on a planet inhabited by the giant Brobdingnags, he was obliged to use it.  He would have exhausted himself trying to climb up onto the bed, which seemed roughly the size of the track used for running laps back at Arkanis Academy.  To get up to it he would have had to scale up the sheets, which Hux imagined would be worse than climbing a rope or rock wall, since the surface would be constantly moving and smooth with no natural places to grip it. 

And if he stayed on the floor, he might have accidentally been stepped on.  And so there he lay, General of the First Order, on a doll’s bed in a little girl’s doll house.  From where he had been placed on the table he could look out over the vastness of the room.  If he had been the right scale to appreciate it, Hux thought it might have been a very nice room, but being the size he was all he could see were obstacles and challenges he would have to overcome to move about. 

He sighed and settled back against the toy bear he was told he could make use of.  It was much more comfortable than the flat pillow that had been on the doll’s bed.  He glanced about his small room.  He supposed the house was supposed to be a little bit like a cottage of some sort, with log walls, earthy looking wooden furniture and a patchwork blanket on the bed.  His greatcoat hung from a doll’s coat rack and the oversized slice of cake that had been given to him still took up most of the space.  There was no way he could eat it all and he had no way to get rid of it. 

There was a knock on the door and someone called inside, “General Hux?  May I enter?” 

“Yes, come in,” Hux called back. 

“…General Hux?  Sir…?”  she called again.  Hux recognized her as the servant girl from before.  She probably could not hear him at all.  His voice might not be able to carry across such a distance and there was more than enough things about to absorb all the sound if he tried to project. 

She waited a few moments before entering.  Looking about before settling her eyes on the dollhouse.  She approached with a kettle and teacup on a small tray.  Hux sat up on the bed and stood as she walked over.  She looked him over once before explaining, “Dinner is will be served in an hour.  Would you like to wash first?” 

“I suppose I would,” said Hux.  He had come to the planet via a shuttle, which was always hot, sweaty and unpleasant.  He supposed he ought to try to make sure he looked presentable.  He glanced over at the cake and gestured to it, “And would you mind terribly having that removed?  I can’t eat it.” 

“Yes…sir,” replied the servant, clearly struggling with the idea of treating someone his size normally.  She was succeeding more than the court women had a few hours earlier, passing him about, shoving sweets against his face and kissing him.  The servant girl didn’t do any of that, and Hux was very thankful for it. 

“We don’t…actually have a bathtub for someone your size, and we’re afraid you might drown in a basin.  So…” the girl held set down her tray and held up a teacup, “Do you think you’ll fit?” 

Hux grimaced, “It’ll have to suffice, won’t it.” 

“The water’s been boiling, so wait a few minutes before getting in,” advised the girl.  Whatever she was doing to the cup, she was doing it beside the dollhouse so he could not see it.  He heard something striking porcelain before water was poured out. 

“Do you have a name?” called Hux. 

“Glumdalclitch,” she replied, “And I’ve no idea what I did to deserve it.” 

Hux’s mouth curled into a grin when he heard that.  It was the most regular conversation he’d managed to have all day.  Glumdalclitch placed the teacup in the room where the cake had been, “It’s hot, so you may want to wait before trying to touch it.  Do you think you can get in and out alright?”

“I think so,” said Hux, looking it over.  He could climb in easily enough by stepping onto the bed and slipping in the cup.  Getting out would be a bit more challenging, but not impossible.  He glanced at it, noticing foam bubbles foaming generous amounts of suds over the lip of the glass, “What on earth is that?” 

“Bubblebath,” Glumdalclitch explained, “We like to have them to relax.  I wasn’t sure how the proportions would work with a tea cup.  I think I overdid it…” 

“So long as there’s nothing dangerous it should be alright,” said Hux, prodding at the strange foam. 

“Lord Handelass will arrive in an hour to escort you to the dining hall,” continued Glumdalclitch. 

Hux furrowed his brow slightly, “He’s not the man who brought me here is he?  Is he always so…so…” 

“He is, and he tends to be…forward…with male guests,” she replied awkwardly, “And with your…uniqueness it seems you’ve caught his attention.  He’s mostly harmless…” 

“Mostly?” Hux pressed irately. 

“Well, with your size, all he can do is flirt and tease,” she elaborated, “He likes teasing.  He just wants to see you react.” 

“Anyone else I should worry about?” asked Hux. 

Glumdalclitch took a moment to think about it, “Most of the ladies find you very…” 

Hux sighed, “I see…I suppose that was apparent enough.  Thank you for letting me know.”

“My pleasure, General.  Enjoy your tea- bath…I meant bath,” said the girl, correcting herself before giving a curtsy and leaving the room. 

It took a little while before the teacup was cool enough to get close to, and a little longer before it was cool enough to get inside without boiling himself alive.  Removing his uniform he ignored the fact that he was going to be washing in a tea cup.  He pretended it was just a regular tub.  He focused on the novelty of having a bath with hot water.  He was used to sonic showers and could remember having baths when he was very young, but not the sensations of it.  It was incredibly relaxing, surrounded by warmth on all sides and stretching out.  The bubbles were an interesting addition.  He had never seen anything like them.  It seemed they weren’t any good for cleansing with.  They just sort of sat on the surface of the water in a thick foam. 

He hummed slightly at the pleasant heat and relaxed against the side of the…tea cup.  He tried to forget about that, forget that he was, in fact, sitting in a massive cup.  He supposed it had been washed before and would be washed again when he finished, but something about this seemed incredibly unhygienic.  He moved around, trying to avoid the rim of the cup where people’s mouths had been as he washed up.  As much as he enjoyed the soak, he wanted to get out of the cup as quickly as possible. 

He finished washing and dried off with a napkin before dressing again.  As counterproductive as it was to put his uniform back on after taking a bath, he was not going to wear doll’s clothing.  They clearly weren’t made for someone who needed to move about, as well as the fact that it was completely demeaning to wear something meant for a doll.  If push came to shove then he might have been able to wear the clothes if it was absolutely necessary, but all of the doll dresses were out of the question.  There was no way he would be caught dead or alive in the frills, bows and layers of petticoats. 

Hux heard the door swing open and scowled as the man from before entered.  He reminded him a little bit of Kylo with his arrogance and penchant for being needling.  They even looked slightly similar with dark, curling hair and a decent build.  He approached to doll house as Hux sat up, legs dangling off the side of the bed.  Handelass peered inside and snorted at the tea cup, “Did you really take a bath in there?” 

He tried to remember what Glumdalclitch said.  Handelass was just trying to get a rise out of him.  Hux crossed his legs at the knees and folded his arms, “Yes, as a matter of fact I did.” 

He snorted, prodding at the cup before switching to stroking a finger down Hux’s arm, “Why are you still in your uniform?  I was sure I spotted a dinner jacket in there.” 

“Nothing fit,” lied Hux, ignoring the giant finger on his arm. 

“Surely something will fit you,” Handelass teased, reaching into the little doll’s wardrobe and pulling out a little green dress with layer upon layer of frills in the skirt.  He pressed it against Hux, “That one should fit.  Just pull it over your head.” 

“No thank you,” seethed Hux. 

“Very well,” he replied, setting the dress down. 

Hux tried to avoid his finger as it stretched towards his chest.  He backed away against the bed as it pressed against him, tickling slightly before pulling back, “You are just too precious.” 

Hux scowled before standing up, “Are you going to escort me or not?  Because if not I’m just going to go back to sleep.” 

“Oh, yes, go ahead and curl up with your little bear on your little bed,” Handelass replied, pulling back the quilt slightly, “Go ahead and get in.  I’ll tuck you in again.” 

Hux stood and clambered onto his wrist before walking up his arm, mindful not to misstep and fall to the floor several feet below him.  He tried to move as coolly and collectedly as he could, trying to betray no anger or indignation as he strode up the man’s arm.  He sat down on his shoulder, “I’ll be having no more of that, thank you.” 

Handelass put a finger to his face to hold him in place to kiss his cheek.  Hux tried to push his face back as he laughed, “It really is a shame you’re so small.” 

“That’s quite enough of that!” snapped Hux, finally losing his temper.  He stood and got up close to the giant’s face, “Look, that’s completely inappropriate.  I’m still a government representative.  You can’t possibly treat everyone like this.” 

“Hm?  I’m only trying to be friendly.  The First Order and Brobdingnag are on friendly terms, aren’t they?” he asked, stroking Hux’s hair back with a massive finger, “You do want us to be friendly, don’t you?” 

Friendly yes, this particular kind of friendly, no.  It was not as if he had never had someone attempt to seduce him while he was on a mission.  It was a shockingly regular occurrence with different factions trying to provide incentive during negotiations, but this seemed useless.  And physically impossible.  Aside from getting a rise out of him there was absolutely nothing this giant could hope to gain from this.  They were hardly compatible physically speaking, and less so in terms of personality. 

“Hm?  Don’t you want to have good relations?  General Cutie-Pie?” he asked running a finger up and down his back. 

Hux sat down again and crossed his arms, seething, “Let’s just go.” 

“Such a sweetie…” he observed as he stood to his full height, “Make sure to hold on tightly.  I’d feel awful if you fell…Perhaps it’s for the best if you sit in my hands instead.” 

Like a mouse, Hux thought glumly.  It was safer, but that wasn’t why the man seemed to do this.  If Hux sat in Handelass’ hands the man would be able to stroke and prod much more easily.  Hux moved in a bit closer to his neck, trying to make himself more difficult to grab, “I’m fine up here.” 

   *** 

Hux was not given a chance to hide.  From the moment he was escorted into the room and announced he could feel everyone staring.  There were more people about than there had been at the meeting, which was to be expected.  He was instantly seized and placed upon the table where everyone could see him.  There was a small table and chair set up for him, likely more dolls’ furniture along with a few cups and plates.  They were a touch too large, but Hux supposed they would have to be, given that dolls usually weren’t made to hold things.  Objects like that had to be designed for a much larger hand. 

He tried to ignore the staring and cooing as he inspected the furniture that he would be using and wondering at the sheer scale of everything around him.  There was a salad bowl the size of Supreme Leader Snoke’s hologram.  He could use a single leaf of lettuce as a tarp.  He could be crushed to death if someone dropped a plate on him. 

“General, good to see you’re well,” said the King of Brobdingnag. 

“Likewise.  I’m terribly sorry to be imposing,” Hux called upwards. 

“It’s not trouble.  You’re very…” he trailed off, “Easy to accommodate.  However, on the subject of accommodations, my daughter has been wondering about…”

“Ah, I see,” Hux replied somewhat sheepishly.  He had been aware that the doll house must have belonged to someone living in the palace, but the conversation drove home the fact that he was living in a little girl’s play set. 

“If you’d be so kind, I’d like to introduce her.  I doubt she’d believe this unless she sees you,” the king explained. 

Hux nodded but braced himself.  If grown women were willing to scoop him up and play with him like a pet mouse, a little girl was going to be even worse.  He stood by his little table, waiting for the inevitable and trying to make himself inconspicuous.  Others might have thought they were being discreet, but with their features so much larger than his own it was easy for Hux to spot wandering eyes and stifled smiles. 

That was all interrupted when a little girl eight times his size bounded up to the table.  She slapped two hands on either side of him, shaking the ground beneath Hux’s feet and sending out a deafening smack.  Only the upper half of her face peering over top of the dining room table was visible to Hux.  Her eyes, easily larger than Hux’s own head widened even further as he took a slight step backwards. 

She made a loud prolonged gasp before exclaiming, “It’s a little man!  He’s just like a dolly!” 

She turned around and chirped, “Can he sleep in my room?  I promise I’ll be careful with him!”

“Now dear, he’s small, but he’s a grown man,” chided the king. 

“But…but he’s so cute and little,” protested the princess. 

Hux moved in a little closer before calling, “He’s right, your highness.  It would hardly be proper.” 

“He can talk!” she gasped, turning her full attention back to Hux, “What’s your name?  Can you eat?  Do you like cats?” 

Hux was slightly stunned from her exuberance, but also because she was doing something none of the adults from the meeting earlier that day had done.  He was still a curiosity to her, but instead of poking him, shoving things in his face and trying to giggle behind his back, she was asking him questions.  It might have been inane drivel, but so far she was treating him more like a person than others had. 

“My name is General Armitage Hux.  I can eat the same as anyone else,” said the General.  After a moment’s hesitation he added, “And I like cats.” 

“Can he sit with me?  Please?” asked the girl, bouncing on her heels and shaking the table slightly. 

The King looked ready to make a protest, but glimpsing Handelass giving him a slight leer, Hux decided he would rather take his chances with the little girl.  He called up, “I don’t mind.  The princess has been kind enough to lend me her…doll house.” 

“See!  He said yes!  He said yes so he can sit with me, right!?” she asked excitedly. 

“Remember, the General is a guest.  Be on your best behaviour, Limdalyn,” said the king.  The slightly irate look he seemed to have as he looked up led Hux to believe that he was biting back some remark about the conduct of the adults in the room just a few hours prior. 

“I’m going to move your chair and table to my spot!” said the princess excitedly, gathering up what was, for her, tiny furniture, “So wait here and I’ll come get you!” 

“Wait, that’s not…” Hux called out before trailing off.  She had run away so quickly that his small voice couldn’t carry in the noise and distance of the dining room.  He sighed to himself, “…necessary…” 

He supposed it was for the best that if anyone in this room was going to be manhandling him, it was going to be a child.  There was something unnerving about being passed around and cooed over by adults who ought to know better.  At least Hux could excuse Limdalyn’s behaviour because of her age, and she seemed to treat him more like a person than most of the others had, being genuinely interested in him as an individual. 

Limdalyn bounded back and reached out for him, “It’s all ready.  I’m going to pick you up, okay?”

“Wait!” called Hux, holding up his hands, “Don’t grab me.  You wouldn’t grab a kitten like that, would you?” 

She seemed slightly taken aback by that, but eagerly pressed, “So how can I pick you up?” 

How indeed?  Grabbing him around the middle was almost guaranteed to bruise his ribs.  Her hands weren’t quite big enough for him to sit in one of them and be well balanced.  He also wasn’t sure if it would make the best impression if he stepped on the princess’s hands. 

“Oh, I know, can you hold onto my hand?” the princess asked, stretching one of her hands out towards him. 

“I think so…” said Hux, hoping she wasn’t planning on having him hang off of her hand as she walked and hesitantly taking hold of her index finger. 

He held on tightly as she lifted him off the table and settled him against the crook of her arm.  She grinned down at him, “This is how I carry my dollies and kittens.” 

Hux lay against her arm and clutched her sleeve as she happily skipped away, cradled exactly as she described, like a baby doll.  She brought her other hand up to keep him more secure as she, to Hux’s surprise and dismay, decided to flounce around the room, humming happily to herself.  She was moving so quickly and so erratically that Hux didn’t dare even try to sit up from his position. 

As she flitted about the room she continuously asked him questions, “I have a cat and five kittens.  Do you have a kitty?” 

“Y-Yes!” stammered Hux as he struggled to find something, anything to make him more secure. 

“Is your kitty small like you?” she asked. 

“By your standards she’d be small,” said Hux, who thought Millicent was actually average sized. 

“I wish I could see her.  She’d be such a sweet little kitty,” said Limdalyn. 

“I would very much like to be put down now,” called Hux, pressing closer against her arm. 

“Oh, okay,” said the princess, bounding across the room. 

When Hux felt it was safe to look up he noticed that the princess was not seated at the large dining room table.  He immediately recognized the setup, having been forced to sit at a table like this by himself many times in the past when his father was hosting important guests.  The children’s table.  Being at the right level to roll off of her arm onto the noticeably lower table, Hux noted that unlike his younger self, Limdalyn did not have to sit by herself. 

Lymdalyn puffed out her chest as she stared at the other children, “This is General Hux, and he’s _my_ special guest.” 

Hux looked about at the wide eyed children staring down at him.  He hadn’t known when he agreed to this that he would be seated with a small group of children.  He looked about at all the gigantic, young faces staring down at him in wonder. 

“It’s just one of your dolls,” said a boy dismissively. 

“I can assure you I am not,” Hux countered. 

The boy nearly fell out of his chair when Hux spoke and closed in on him, staring him down as he made his survey of the children and the table.  It was best to establish his dominance early on before any of them got the idea that they could paw at him.  He couldn’t shout at or command a bunch of giant children, but there were ways to manipulate a person into thinking that they would be in serious trouble if he was picked up or injured. 

“I-It talks…” said the boy. 

“He talks,” Hux corrected sternly, “Tell me young man, is that how you speak to a visiting diplomat?  Is this how children on your planet are raised to behave?” 

The boy was so stunned by the authoritative tone coming out of such a small body that he remained silent and pressed against the back of his chair.  Good.  Hux needed to establish himself as the adult in this situation, the one who was in control.  He kept his body language tight and authoritative so it would be clear that he was a commanding presence, not a passive one meant to be picked up and played with.  If he was picked up, it would be with his permission.  He moved back over to the princess and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Told you so,” said the princess smugly before flouncing into her chair. 

“You’re not a doll?” asked a little girl.  Or, she might have been little if she had been human.

“Of course I’m not a doll,” said Hux, turning to face her. 

“Can you prove it?” she asked, taking a pea off of her plate, one half as big as Hux’s head, and handing it to him, “Dolls can’t eat.  If you’re not a doll, you can eat that.” 

Hux took a bite out of it.  It was a bit like eating an overgrown apple.  He swallowed and looked up, “Is that satisfactory or should I finish it?” 

“Mama says you shouldn’t only eat half of something,” she replied by way of an answer. 

Hux glanced over at the ‘grown-up’ table.  Seeing everyone’s features in such vivid detail, he could tell a few of the adult members of the Brobdingnag court were drunk, and the meal had barely started.  It was probably a good thing that he sat with the children.  If adults picked him up and passed him around when they were sober, Hux was loathe to think about what they might try to do with him if they were drunk. 

The children quickly made a game out of who could cut their food the smallest to put on Hux’s plate.  The boy who had thought he was just one of the princess’ dolls seemed to be winning, but even at that the portion sizes were enormous.  Limdalyn, who got bored with the game when it became apparent that she would lose, leaned in to talk with Hux, “Does your kitty have a name?” 

“Millicent,” replied Hux, “Her name is Millicent.  She’s about three.” 

He took out his datapad and started playing a holo of his cat.  Blowing up the size as large as the datapad would allow, the projection was about Millicent’s full size.  The blue hologram trotted in place for a moment before looking about with rapt attention and darting after a toy.  Hux glanced up, “She’s orange.  This is about how big she is.” 

“It’s a teeny-tiny kitty!” exclaimed the princess, cooing delightedly at the holo.  She smiled broadly before getting up from her chair, “Wait here, okay?” 

“Alright,” replied Hux, who could go nowhere unless someone helped him leave the room.  He supposed he could take his chances in walking away on his own, but with so many drunken giants wandering about, it was not a risk he wanted to take.  If he ever did die on a mission, he did not want that death to be a stupid one. 

“How do you make clothes that small?  Is everything where you’re from small?” asked the boy. 

“From my perspective everything on my planet and ship is average size,” protested Hux before conceding, “Though I suppose to you, yes, it would all be quite small.” 

“But how can you build a ship if everything is so small.  How can it fly?” he pressed. 

Hux grinned.  These were the sorts of questions he liked to get.  None of that prodding nonsense or thinly veiled reasons to pick him up.  He was about to begin when the table shook underneath his feet. 

“This is my kitty!  Don’t you love her!?” 

Hux turned.  Slowly, glancing up as his felt all the blood drain from his face.  There was a kitten.  A kitten twice the size of a Nexu looking down at him.  Hux tried to recall everything he knew about managing kittens while hoping the thing wouldn’t dart forward and bite his head off.  He stayed still as it approached and sniffed him, its breath hot and heavy on his face before it moved down to smell his chest.  He supposed it was natural.  His uniform must have had a completely different scent from everything else the kitten had ever smelled. 

Normally Hux would be able to manipulate a kitten into moving somewhere else by throwing something or dangling some string, but that as impossible, and making any noise might make it want to practice hunting on him.  He held still, making no noise, trying not to provoke the kitten. 

It lifted a massive paw and Hux felt four claws sink into his uniform as it pushed him on the ground.  Hux played dead.  He knew the kitten wanted him to move, to squeak like a mouse.  If he didn’t act like prey it would leave him alone.  Still, the kitten swatting at his back and making attempts at mewing was incredibly unsettling.  It sniffed the back of his hair and started licking it with a rough tongue.  Hux stiffened.  If it bit his head or his neck… 

“Princess Limdalyn!  Get your kitten off of the General!” someone called out. 

Hux felt himself being picked up and was glad to see Glumdelclitch holding him as she scooped up the kitten and passed it back to the princess, “You’ve been warned by your father about bringing your kittens to the dining room.” 

“I just wanted to show him my kitty,” said the princess, her eyes beginning to water as she was scolded. 

Glumdelclitch looked from Hux to the princess, who looked like she was about to start crying.  She looked at Hux, “I need to take care of the princess.  I’m going to cover you with something until the kitten is out of the room.  Sorry.” 

“What?” Hux exclaimed before he was placed on the table.  He gasped, covering his ears as a large wine glass was placed over him quickly, probably harder than intended.  He looked about.  He was not sure if he could knock the glass over, but he should have enough air for a few hours.  Enough time for someone to- 

“General?  What are you doing in that glass?” 

Hux looked up and grimaced.  Handelass grinned at him through the glass and tapped the top of it, causing Hux to cover his ears.  To the giant man’s credit, a look of surprise and worry crossed his face and he stopped tapping immediately.  He took the neck of the glass between his fingers and readied the other one, “Don’t tell me you were going to take a bath in there as well.” 

Hux didn’t dignify him with an answer.  In response, the man tilted the glass, cupping the top of it with his hand and forcing Hux back into it.  He tried to stand, but there was no grip on the glass and he tumbled back into it.  The man set the glass upright with Hux inside of it, “There, at least you can breathe easily now.  What on earth were you doing trapped in a wine glass?” 

Hux crossed his arms.  He couldn’t admit that a maid had put him there to protect him from a kitten.  It was too humiliating.  Instead he sat down in his glass and huffed, looking away. 

Handelass looked over at Glumdelclitch, who was soothing the princess and trying to explain that kittens weren’t safe for people who looked to be the same size as mice. 

“Oh…I see,” he replied softly before leaning down and whispering, “It’s alright, I won’t tell.  If anyone asks you can tell them I played a little trick on you.” 

He reached a finger inside the glass and smoothed down Hux’s hair, which had been sticking up slightly after being licked by the kitten, surprisingly gently.  He pulled back and whispered, “Would you like me to move you somewhere-”

“Handelass!  Why aren’t you *hic* reve…re…drinking!” Hux heard someone shout close-by. 

There was a loud clink and Hux felt something crash against the top of his head.  He pulled away from it, struggling to stay upright as gallon after gallon of wine poured down and swirled up underneath him.  The smell was overwhelming and the fumes from the alcohol burned his eyes and nose.  He barely registered shouting as he was picked up. 

Hux felt himself being lifted and spluttered, having swallowed a few mouthfuls and gotten plenty of red wine up his nose.  He looked up and saw a drunk man staring at him incredulously, looking at the bottle in his hand, then back to Hux.  He placed the bottle on the table, “Think I’ve had a little too *hic* much…seeing little men…” 

As the man wandered off Hux heard Handelass speaking, “Are you…?” 

“Fine!” snapped Hux, shakily getting to his feet, “Just fine!  I’m having a lovely time!  Excellent dinner party!  I’m so happy I could attend!” 

“Should I…call a maid to get a bath ready for you?” the courtier replied awkwardly, offering Hux a massive handkerchief, “What should we do about your uniform?” 

Hux accepted it and started toweling himself dry, “I’ll soak it and let it dry overnight…”  He added glumly to himself, “There’s nothing else that can be done…” 

He pulled out his datapad.  His pocket had not done much to protect it, but thankfully he hadn’t been submerged for a long time and the case he kept the device in was somewhat protective.  Hux turned it on and found it was still thankfully functional.  He sent a message for a change of clothing to be brought along with the contract. 

“I am sorry about all this,” said Handelass, helping to pat Hux down with the handkerchief, “Really.” 

Hux sighed, “I think I’m ready to call it a night…I’d like to go to bed.” 

“Can I tuck you in?” 

Hux glared up at him. 

Handelass sighed, “Alright, not in the mood for jokes.  Let’s get you cleaned up.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third and final chapter of my drunk-writing shenanigans! Kylo joins the fun! Also featuring some ADORABLE art by Pidgy on tumblr! (If you aren't following her, you should because her art is very cute, her blog is drama free and everything is positive!)

Kylo Ren emerged from the shuttle and Hux groaned.  Of course it was Ren.  Why wouldn’t it be?  The universe was clearly out to get him, so it should have been obvious that Ren would have been sent to bring the contract and assist him.  He scowled to himself as Ren descended from the gangplank, a massive scroll in tow. 

“Why the hell did you need this thing?” growled Ren through his mask, “And what’s with this ridiculous landing pad?”

Hux gestured around the area with his hand, “Because this ‘landing pad’ is actually a balcony.” 

Ren paused at that, looking about for a moment and taking in the sights, finally registering them as a huge set of doors and a balcony.  He looked over at Hux, who could only grimace and gesture to the door, that had been left open a crack for them to enter.  He reached Hux’s side and looked up at the towering doors, “So…how is this supposed to work.” 

“As much as I hate saying it, we’ll wing it,” said Hux, gritting his teeth slightly at the prospect, “Everything in here is going to be sixteen times your size.  It makes even the most mundane tasks daunting.” 

Ren leered at him through his visor and asked, bemused, “What happened to your uniform?  It’s wrinkled.” 

Hux grimaced, recalling the incident with the cat, a glass, and several gallons of wine that would have likely killed him with the fumes if it wasn’t enough to completely drown him.  He clasped his hands behind his back and haughtily replied, “It’s none of your business, Ren.” 

   ***  

Hux sat down in the chair in one of the many bedrooms in the dollhouse.  The balcony he had given Ren coordinates to linked to his guest bedroom, which they had since flown into the room itself, which had been an uncanny experience in itself.  Glumdelclitch had been good enough to help him make several yards of rope ladder so they could move from room to room by themselves without needing constant attention or assistance. 

Staring opposite at Ren,who was sitting on the edge of the bed, Hux sighed, “So, that’s the situation.  Can I trust you not to make a mess of things?” 

“You act like I have no experience with diplomacy,” said Ren with a slight huff. 

“I’ve only ever seen you march into villages with your lightsaber blazing and Stormtroopers firing, so as far as I’ve seen your brand of diplomacy won’t work here,” retorted Hux, “We have a meeting soon and I need to trust you not to try and stab anybody.” 

“I won’t,” snapped Ren with all the salt of an angry adolescent. 

“Good then,” grumbled Hux, looking out over the oversized bedroom. 

It wasn’t long before he heard chuckling through Ren’s vocorder, “Bet you looked really sweet.  All curled up in a set of dolls clothes while someone tucked you in with a big, snuggly bear.” 

“I didn’t have any other options,” protested Hux through clenched teeth. 

“Bet you sucked your thumb and gurgled like a baby,” laughed Kylo. 

Hux didn’t dignify him with an answer and continued to glare at his co-commander as the knight looked about the room and laughed to himself.  Eventually Hux reminded him, “Don’t forget, you’re the size of a doll on this planet as well.  You’ll be treated the exact same way I’ve been.” 

Ren stood, “Oh?  You think you’re being treated like a doll because you’re small on this planet?” 

“Of course.  If I was average size they wouldn’t dream of it,” protested Hux. 

Kylo let out a huff behind his mask before taking hold of Hux, whether it was with his hands or the Force the General had no idea as he was flung onto the doll’s bed.  The knight was on top of him in an instant, making a purring sound as he raked his hands down Hux’s chest, “We’re nearly the same height, but you’re so pretty you could be my little doll.  We could play a different game in every room in this house.  How’s that sound?” 

“Mm…sounds good,” Hux pretended to moan before giving Kylo a serious look, “And then you can tell the little girl who owns this house what made it so dirty and why she can’t play with it.” 

The knight paused, probably weighing his options before he shoved Hux against the bed and groaned, “You’re a dick.” 

Hux sat up and watched the knight retreat with a slight grin, “And you’re a brat.” 

   *** 

Hux hoped the signing would be a quick affair.  Just getting the signature and then getting off this planet before anything else happened.  All they needed was a little ink on a little paper and then all of this ridiculousness would be in the past.  No more being passed from hand to hand, no more baths in tea cups, no more monster sized kittens and no more being drowned it wine. 

That hope was quickly dashed when the sight of another ‘tiny man’ brought more cooing and whispers. 

“What interesting clothes he’s wearing.” 

“He said he was a knight?” 

“I suppose he did say they were all very small…” 

It was then that Hux realized that Ren was probably the worst person to have assist him in this situation.  Not because of his temper, these people were doing nothing to offend him.  Not because he was immature, the people here seemed plenty immature, Ren fit right in with everyone else.  It was because Kylo Ren was, and probably would remain, an insatiable attention-whore. 

Ren took off his mask and hooked it into his belt before giving a polite, though slightly showy, bow, “Good afternoon.” 

“Good afternoon,” said a lady, holding out a hand for Kylo to kiss.  He made a show of it, bowing and kissing her smallest finger.  The lady pulled back and whispered to her neighbour, “He’s adorable.” 

Hux could see exactly where this was going and he didn’t approve in the least.  He set to work trying to unroll the scroll, which proved impossible since he needed weights to hold the corners down.  He looked about, trying to find something, anything to hold a massive piece of paper open.  He groaned slightly before calling out, “Does anybody have a paper weight?  Anything large and heavy would do.” 

Ren stood on one of the corners and addressed a lady, “You wouldn’t happen to have anything?  A fan or a pocket mirror?” 

Hux shot the knight a wry look, “Why would anyone keep a-”

The lady placed what looked like a folded up fan on the corner of the contract.  Kylo grinned, “See, I know a thing out two about how to behave and read a room.” 

He also seemed to know a thing or two about how to be an insufferable attention whore.  Ren moved around the table, slowly, because of his relative size, shaking fingertips and kissing ladies’ fingers if they requested it.  Hux had never been good at that part of diplomacy.  The part where he had to act like he was ever so happy to meet everyone and content to bow to and flatter every single person in a room.  If Ren was willing to take that on and not destroy everything, it was so much the better. 

“It’s been written with the terms we discussed yesterday.  You may review it of course before signing,” said Hux, though he would have preferred it if the king skipped straight to the part where he signed it.  Then Hux could get off of this ridiculous planet and sleep in a normal-sized bed, with his normal-sized cat and not have to climb hundreds of meters of rope to move around a room. 

As the king read through the contract, Ren finished up his rounds.  He smirked at Hux, “You’re really popular here.” 

“Only among the women, and not for reasons I approve of,” Hux muttered.  He knew he didn’t have to, his regular voice wouldn’t carry well enough for anyone to overhear them.  It was a force of habit to speak in a low voice when he was disparaging people in the same room as him though. 

“Oh no, the men too.  However, this planet has certain ideals for masculinity.  They aren’t allowed to express much fondness for things they find…” Kylo smirked as he looked Hux over, “Adorable.” 

“I’ll tolerate that word from them, not from you,” growled Hux. 

“I’m only telling you what they’re thinking,” said Kylo, “Strangely enough they seem to love it when you get riled up.  They think, and these are the men, mind you, that you’re the sweetest, most adorable thing they’ve ever seen.” 

“I’m not adorable.  Generals aren’t adorable,” said Hux flatly. 

“Pardon me, I couldn’t hear what you and Lord Ren were discussing, General,” interrupted a lady. 

Ren cut in before Hux could make a reply, “He was just telling me all about your wonderful hospitality.  It must be difficult trying to accommodate us.” 

Hux tried to ignore the tittering and giggling about how polite and handsome Ren was.  If only they could have seen Ren after he was given a piece of bad news.  They likely wouldn’t have enjoyed him half as much if he was flinging his lightsaber about. 

“It’s no trouble at all.  Here, please sample this.  As far as we know, they’re unique to Brobdinag,” replied the lady.  She scooped out a spoonful of some kind of opaque gelatin from a large bowl and held it out.  Kylo removed a glove, calling out for the lady to pardon him for using his bare hands and took a small chunk of it.  Hux wrinkled his nose.  It wiggled.  Hux didn’t like it when his food even simulated being alive.  It brought back too many bad memories of survival training.  Ren on the other hand, ate it up and immediately went on and on about how wonderful it was. 

“You must try it as well, General,” said the lady, shoving the spoon so close to Hux’s face that he nearly stumbled over backwards. 

Hux sighed, he supposed there was no getting around it.  He removed his glove to rip a handful off for himself.  It felt exactly like gelatin.  It squished and jiggled in his hand before he forced himself to put the squishy substance into his mouth.  Surprisingly it wasn’t as foul as he had anticipated.  It actually tasted a little like fruit, with plenty of added sugars.  It was surprisingly good. 

But what was surprising and not so good was a finger suddenly wiping over his face, pressing a large cloth against him.  He heard more giggles, which with ridiculously loud in his ears.  He pried himself away long enough to see Ren, contentedly perched in a woman’s hand, letting her pat his hair with a finger.  It was difficult to see at a distance, but Hux could have sworn the knight looked smug and contented with all the attention he was getting. 

Hux on the other hand tumbled backwards onto someone’s hand and felt himself being lifted again.  He heard a woman asking, “Oh dear, did I get it all?  Let’s have a closer look.” 

Hux managed to scramble onto his knees, trying to look somewhat dignified as he struggled to keep his balance, “Madam, this is a diplomatic meeting and I find it highly inappropriate that this sort of behaviour is-”

“Oh, I missed a spot, just around your itty-bitty mouth,” she cooed, rubbing Hux’s face with the handkerchief again. 

“Madam, please control yourself!” Hux exclaimed, or at least tried to.  His protest was half muffled by the handkerchief.  He glanced over at Ren, still smug, still grinning, nibbling at the cookie he had been offered and enjoying being petted.  The knight sat contentedly while his hair was brushed and he was cooed over. 

Was that how Hux was supposed to survive this?  Just…let them manhandle him?  That was what Ren was doing and he seemed to be getting on far better than Hux currently was.  It took some doing, but Hux stopped struggling and shouting, settling down in the hand he was seated.  What now?  Was he supposed to just…sit here?  Was that how to best get through the situation? 

The handkerchief pulled away and the lady’s face edged in closer, “Are you alright General?  You’ve gone rather quiet.” 

“I’m…fine, thank you…” Hux replied, speaking loud enough to make himself heard, though he would have preferred to stay quiet. 

The lady pulled back and whispered to her neighbour, “Oh my stars, he’s _shy_!” 

Hux hear chairs pulling back and suddenly found himself being crowded.  He wanted to shout, say what poor decorum this was, but that hadn’t been working, and Ren’s acceptance seemed to make the situation less arduous for him, so Hux tried to do the same.  He felt horribly awkward about it, sitting quietly in someone’s palm while he was prodded and poked, but what he had been doing before wasn’t working so hopefully this would make things better. 

He tried to ignore that this whole thing seemed to be backfiring horribly. 

“Oh, don’t be shy with us, there’s nothing to be afraid of,” a lady cooed at him.  Hux found himself being prodded by a large finger, which took to stroking his hair and cheek. 

“Poor thing, let’s see if we can get him more comfortable,” suggested one of them. 

“N-no, it’s quite alright!” protested Hux. 

Hux was actually quite surprised to find that ‘getting him more comfortable’ was just that.  He was set back down near the table so he could step back onto the surface.  He stared upwards, shocked by the surprising amount of understanding he was being shown by people who had been gleefully passing him around barely one day ago. 

“Is there anything we can do?” asked the lady, reaching to brush a finger over Hux’s cheek. 

“No, I assure you I’m perfectly fine,” said Hux, taking a step back…

…and tripping over a stray spoon. 

He landed on his ass, which was probably the only thing he had to be grateful for in this situation.  It was bad enough that nobody took him seriously before, but he had absolutely no idea how to make anyone fear him.  Stuck at this size, he was basically a joke.  He was so angry and disheartened he couldn’t even manage to become embarrassed when he saw at least half a dozen giant women stifle their giggles as they looked down at him.  It really couldn’t have gotten any worse than this. 

“Are you alright General, let me help you up.” 

“Oh kriff, not you,” Hux grumbled to himself, his small voice making him inaudible to the ears of everyone around him. 

The stupid lord with the horrifyingly obvious infatuation with him lifted Hux by settling a finger and thumb under each arm and pulling him up.  Hux froze as he landed on his feet and felt something flick over his rear and the back of his thighs.  He turned instantly, his jaw slack at the audacity, staring up at Handelass.  The lord gave a little shrug, his head resting on his chin with his elbow on the table, “There was dust.” 

“That’s mine, you can’t touch it!” 

Hux let out another groan as a pair of boots hit the table and Ren came running up.  Hux rubbed his thumb and forefinger over his temples as Ren took hold of him.  Hux let out a frustrated shout, “What the hell do you mean yours!?”

Ren corrected himself, “Attached to him, belongs to me!” 

Handelass looked down and seemed, surprisingly, shocked by the turn of events.  He settled both arms on the table before leaning in slightly and speaking quietly to Hux, “You might have told me you were already taken.” 

“You might have not been so forward,” countered Hux. 

“You mean…they’re a teeny tiny couple?” 

Hux then heard a loud, high pitched noise.  He had heard explosions, he had heard blaster fire, and he had heard a lightsaber gliding through monitors and consoles.  The sound he heard made his blood freeze in his veins and if he hadn’t been so startled, he would have covered his ears.  The sound, which would haunt him for years, he could only describe as a, ‘squee.’ 

“You know what this means, don’t you?” asked Ren with a wolfish grin. 

“No, no I don’t,” growled Hux. 

“See, you’re mostly familiar with First Order methods of diplomacy, but in places like this and cultures like these, it’s all about making personal connections,” explained the knight.  He pulled Hux closer, “So let’s get personal.” 

There was another gut-wrenching, horrifying ‘squee’ as Ren hugged him close.  Hux wasn’t sure whether to be angry or incredibly confused.  This was diplomacy?  Waking around on a table and letting people poke and prod him was how he was supposed to deal with others.  He wished he had a Brobdinagian shot glass full of whiskey.  Then he could have drowned Ren, and then drink until the world started to make sense again. 

“How long have you been together?” asked the lady who had picked Hux up. 

“A while, but we have to make sure it doesn’t get in the way of work,” explained Kylo, cradling a very disgruntled Hux against his chest, “It’s difficult though, chasing rivals off day in and day out.” 

“Oh?” someone asked, nudging Hux closer to Kylo. 

Ren wore a grin that said, ‘of course I’ll kiss my tiny boyfriend for the amusement of the rabble.’  Hux gave him a furious look that clearly threatened, ‘do it and you’ll sleep on the couch for a month.’  Ren ignored it and the room was filled with more of the dreaded ‘squee’ as he claimed Hux’s lips. 

Ren pulled back, “There, that should straighten a few things out.” 

“And what if one of those rivals stole your General away?” 

Hux felt himself being pulled away as a large hand wrapped around him.  He looked and saw Handelass grinning at Ren but there was something…odd.  Ren wasn’t angry, he was surprisingly calm about all of the shenanigans.  He brandished his lightsaber and stared down his rival, “Then I’d just have to rescue him!"

Handelass looked over at Hux as he put the General on his shoulder, “Hold on tight and try not to fall.” 

“This has gone on quite long enough and I demand that you let me down,” Hux growled through gritted teeth. 

“On guard!” declared the lord, brandishing a butter knife. 

“I just wanted a damned signature!” Hux shouted, grabbing on to a lock of hair as the duel began. 

Handelass lunged and his knife was promptly cut in half by the plasma blade.  There was a gasp and polite applause as Ren continued his charge, even in spite of a handkerchief being thrown at him.  Ren cut it to ribbons with some showy sabermanship that Hux found completely excessive.  Hux used his full weight to give Handelass’ hair a tug, “This is beyond ridiculous!  Put me down at once!” 

At first, Hux thought the man had complied.  Then he noticed an alarming lack of a hand around him as he shot from the lord’s shoulder, making a fast beeline for Ren’s waiting hand.  The bastard was using the Force.  There was applause and Hux saw Handelass raise his hands in defeat.  Hux felt himself pulled into another kiss as Ren took a triumphant boy.  Ren turned to Hux, “And that, General, is how you work a crowd.” 

Hux growled, “I kriffing hate you.” 

“You know you don’t,” sniggered Ren.

   *** 

“Again, I am very sorry about the patronizing…and the wine…and the cat…and the staged kidnapping,” said the Brobdinagian king. 

“It’s all quite alright, no harm done,” lied Hux as Ren loaded the contract into the shuttle.  He continued, “This visit was most enlightening, and I look forward to seeing your lovely planet again.” 

“We have a parting gift for you,” said the king, rising to his feet. 

Glumdelclitch knelt down in front of the shuttle and set a massive crate beside Hux.  She tried to curtsy as much as she could in her position, “A small token for being…well, a good sport, frankly.” 

Hux looked over the crate.  It didn’t look like a small token from his perspective.  It was perfectly massive.  Hux wondered how he was going to manoeuver it through the halls of the _Finalizer_.  Hux gave it a once over before asking quietly, “If I may ask…what is it?” 

“A bath- teacup.  It’s a teacup.  But you can use it however you like,” explained Glumdelclitch. 

“Thank you,” said Hux, an ingrained sense of propriety telling him that he should give something as well.  He looked about him and found he didn’t have anything, or at least nothing that would be large enough to be of any use.  He looked over his tunic.  It was wrinkled, it still smelled like wine, it was probably ruined.  He unclipped his belt and shed his tunic, holding it up, “Perhaps it will fit one of the Princess’ dolls.” 

“I’m sure she’ll love it,” said Glumdelclitch, taking it carefully between her fingers before lifting the tunic away. 

“General, we’re good to go,” said Ren. 

“Thank you…and you’re still sleeping on the floor tonight,” Hux called back, “Now get this crate in the shuttle.” 

“I said I was sorry…” muttered Kylo, picking up the crate with his power and drawing it inside the shuttle. 

“I know you’re probably not very eager after everything, but I hope you’ll come back,” said Glumdelclitch, “We’d be sure to be better equipped.  I’ll be sure to keep making rope ladders in case you do.” 

Hux nodded and tried not to grimace at the thought of others making their own preperations for his return.  Plans that involved doll clothing, small pink furniture and more being passed around and cooed over. 

“That was heavy Hux, what the hell was…” Ren trailed off.  Hux scowled, as he concluded that his memories had betrayed him.  Ren grinned, “Let’s get you home.  That bubble bath stuff seems like fun.” 

Hux turned and smirked as he headed towards the shuttle, “If I ever allow you off the floor.” 

 


End file.
